update news: Real Men of Basketball: The Baller Old Guy

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Real Men of Basketball: The Baller Old Guy

Each week I will write about a type of player you see in pickup basketball games, along with their NBA equivalent. Basically, it will be a spinoff from the Real Men of Genius ads made by Bud Light. I started out with the annoying screen setter guy. This week: the baller old guy.Old people ruin everything - that's just a fact. Parties, highway driving, late night basement hookups...you name it. So what's worse than when a bunch of young bloods try to get a pickup game going and the only option for the 10th man is Old Man River and his replacement knees? I'll tell you...it's when Old Man River decides to put on a fucking clinic.

Too easy against these young bloodsOne of the unforeseen disadvantages of being 23 is that everybody expects you to be in shape. So when your legs have turned after jelly after 2 games, you have to suck it up or your team is going to give you the "what the hell dude?" treatment. This shame is multiplied tenfold where there is an old guy in better shape than you on court. God forbid that he beats you down the court in transition, or you might be excommunicated to Siberia. The baller old guy has the perfect double standard: if you are winning the matchup, it's because he's old, and you're kind of an asshole for taking advantage of him. If he is winning, oh god: expect cat calls and a massive "OOOOHHHHHHHHHH" every time he scores. That's the worst. Maybe he drains a couple 3s in your grill, maybe he outhustles you for a couple easy putbacks, maybe he throws in 4 left handed hooks (an experience that still scars Jack to this day). Any way you slice it, you look like a jackass.Anyone that has watched these playoffs knows who the NBA's baller old guy is: Tim Freakin' Duncan. He's 37 and doesn't play a day older than 28. You all have been warned - do NOT remind Tim Duncan how old he is.